Turning a Stressful Marriage into a Stressless One

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Turning a stressful marriage into a stressless one can benefit both you and your spouse. Reducing stress has an impact on health, longevity, and mental wellbeing according to research. Many marriages today are experiencing stress often leaving both spouses feeling overwhelmed. Learning a few tips for your marriage toolbox can make a difference for enriching your relationship.

3 Tips for Turning a Stressful Marriage into a Stressless Marriage

Understand How You Were Modeled Love and Comfort

Learning how you were modeled love and comfort can help improve your marriage. Our families of origin provide the blue print for how we interact and engage in our relationships. Understanding how you were modeled and demonstrated love matters. It may provide the keys to how you are relating to your spouse today. Oftentimes couples are unaware that their families of origin and early relationship experiences are directly impacting the way they interact with people today.

Here are some key questions to consider:

• How did your parents and family members communicate their love?
• Did your parents use the words, "I love you" on a regular basis?
• How did your parents demonstrate their affection towards you?
• Were they present?
• Did you feel a sense of value and that you were understood?
• Did your parents provide a safe place where you felt comfort when upset or afraid?

Looking at how you were modeled love and comfort is a great eye opener when it comes to understanding your own relationship style and dynamics. A good possibility exists that you and your spouse were modeled love and comfort in different ways. Perhaps one or both of you have never felt you had a safe place to experience comfort when distressed. The following tip can help you create a safe-haven in your marriage for comfort.

Provide a Safe Space for a StressLess Conversation

Providing a safe-haven for your spouse to feel comfort when they are overburdened or stressed is essential. If you are not sure how to do this try introducing a time for a stressless conversation. This is a time where you can let your spouse talk about things that are stressful or bothersome. Try using the acronym less as a reminder of what to focus on in the conversation:

• Listening
• Empathizing
• Supporting
• Standing with your spouse

Having this type of conversation on a regular basis, can help your spouse to feel comfort. Providing your spouse with a healthy way to reduce stress in their lives is beneficial. Most of us need a safe place to go with our stress. Are you providing one for your spouse? If you're interested in more information on how to have this type of conversation, see the article entitled, "Helping Your Spouse Manage Stress Matters."

Create a Culture of Gratitude and Appreciation

Focusing on what your spouse is doing right as opposed to wrong can make all the difference. If you want your spouse to feel valued and appreciated be proactive in pointing out their strengths and what they are doing well. Words of appreciation carry significant weight. They can make or break someone’s day. Try finding one thing to appreciate about your spouse every day and be sure to communicate this to them.

Demonstrating a spirit of gratitude is another great way to create a healthy home environment. Instead of focusing on what you don’t have focus on all the blessings you and your spouse do have. Beginning your day with a prayer and meditation can help establish the emotional tone your day will take on. The following verse is from the Bible and is a great way to begin your day; "This is the day which the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it" (Psalm 118:24, English Standard Version).

Changing your mindset and thought processes can help change the neuropathways in your brain. If you continue to think about more positive things and people that you are grateful for you will begin to rewire your brain for better mental health and wellbeing.

Note: The stressless conversation is adapted from John Gottman’s stress reducing conversation.

Dr. Angela Bisignano is a licensed clinical psychologist in the South Bay of Los Angeles. Dr. Bisignano serves the communities on the Palos Verdes Peninsula, Redondo Beach, Hermosa and Manhattan Beach. Dr. Bisignano’s therapy practice is located in Palos Verdes Estates. Dr. Bisignano specializes in marriage therapy, couples therapy, relationship issues, and the treatment of anxiety and depression. Please contact Dr. Bisignano for more information.

Originally Posted on: Turning a Stressful Marriage into a Stressless One

Mental Health and the Power of Hope

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Mental health consists of or our psychological, emotional and social wellbeing. It influences how we feel, our thought processes and how we behave. Our mental health can impact how we are dealing with stress, interacting with people and the choices we make. Our mental health affects us at every stage of our lives.

When we experience mental health challenges, our mood, thinking and behavior can all be affected. Often when people are dealing with challenging circumstances such as a loss, difficulties in a relationship, divorce or financial struggles our mood can be affected. This may cause us to feel sad, experience the blues, or a depression can set in. This sometimes leads to people feeling lonely, experiencing heartache and for many a loss of hope.

Hope means that we are desiring or expecting something good to happen. It is a feeling of trust that things will turn out for the best. We experience the fruition of hopeful expectations during good times. During difficulties, we are looking to hope to comfort. In the darkest of times, we cling to hope to get us through.

Hope can have a powerful effect on a person’s mood and mental health. It can help by redirecting our negative thought processes to more positive ones; impacting our emotions. It can also influence our outlook on the future. For many, the promises of God offer hope. One of my favorite quotes from the Bible comes from the Old Testament prophet, Jeremiah. Here we find his words,

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jer. 29:11 NKJV).

Here are some quotes on hope that may improve your mental health.

Try reading through the quotes, letting the words sink in, and see if they help. If you find one that resonates with your heart, write it down and try looking at it regularly.  Hope can have a powerful effect on our mental health.

"Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all the darkness." Desmond Tutu

"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning." Albert Einstein

"To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless." Gilbert K. Chesterton

"All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed in a single word: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope." Winston Churchill

"A leader is a dealer in hope." Napoleon Bonaparte

"Let your hopes, not your hurts, shape your future." Robert H. Schuller

"We have always held to the hope, the belief, the conviction that there is a better life, a better world, beyond the horizon." Franklin D. Roosevelt

"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me.'" Erma Bombeck

"Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul - and sings the tunes without the words - and never stops at all." Emily Dickinson

"Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come, whispering, 'It will be happier.'" Alfred Lord Tennyson

Having hope can have a powerful effect on shaping our future.

"Hope is the word which God has written on the brow of every man." Victor Hugo

"When the world says, “Give up,” Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.”  Unknown

"God puts rainbows in the clouds so that each of us – in the dreariest and most dreaded moments – can see a possibility of hope." May Angelou

"Hope is patience with the lamp lit." Tertullian

"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope." Martin Luther King, Jr.

"However long the night, the dawn will break." African Proverb

"Hope is one of the Theological virtues. This means that a continual looking forward to the eternal world is not (as some modern people think) a form of escapism or wishful thinking, but one of the things a Christian is meant to do. It does not mean that we are to leave the present world as it is. If you read history you will find that the Christians who did most for the present world were just those who thought most of the next." C.S. Lewis

Article Source here: Mental Health and the Power of Hope

Why We All Need To Practice Self-Care

 

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Self-care is often under-valued and forgotten in our fast-paced schedules. Self-care is something I encourage in my private practice. I want my clients to make time for themselves in such a way that they are truly caring for themselves. We all need to slow down long enough to take inventory of what is going on internally.

When we allow ourselves time to slow down, we are able to attend to our physical, emotional and spiritual needs. Caring for all of these areas is vital to our well-being. Self-care simply implies we are making healthy life choices like eating nutritious food, getting enough rest, regular exercise and relaxation. When we do these things, we are engaging in refreshing and life giving practices.

Here are 4 simple steps to self-care:

Start the day with an attitude of gratitude. 

Being thankful for the many blessings we have in our lives is fundamental to self-care. Adjusting our thoughts and focusing on the good things in our life helps our mental well-being.

Gratitude is the healthiest of all human emotions. The more you express gratitude for what you have, the more likely you will have even more to express gratitude for.  ~Zig Ziglar

Tip: Make a list of 5 things you are grateful for every morning. Starting your day this way will shift your mind and energy on to important things that really matter in life.

Practice the art of being present. 

Many of us are swept up in thoughts that can pull us in a hundred different directions. Slowing down to experience life and not just “think” about life is important for self-care. Experiencing the world around us and being in the “here and now” takes practice.

The ability to be in the present moment is a major component of mental wellness. ~ Abraham Maslow

Tip: One of the core features of being present involves observing your experiences, in a more intentional way. Rather than being analytical and in thinking mode, try focusing on your experiences through your senses (e.g., What are you seeing? Feeling? Smelling? Hearing? Tasting?).

Take time to breathe. 

Research indicates there is more to the adage “slow down and smell the roses” than we might think. Slowing down long enough to really breathe has great benefits. Deep abdominal breathing, can help to soothe and relax our anxious and stressed bodies, calm our nerves and lower our blood pressure. Once you are calm you can improve concentration, clarity and focus.

Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure. ~Oprah Winfrey

Tip: Try getting into a comfortable position. Close your eyes. Now concentrate on taking a deep abdominal breath. Inhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Count to four while you are inhaling and then slowly exhale to a count of four. Your lower abdomen should rise slightly with every breath. Imagine a balloon inflating and deflating. Do this for several minutes until your body begins to relax.

Take time to refresh your soul. 

Looking forward to something that refreshes and energizes you on a consistent basis is key to self-care. Many of us get so caught up in our schedules, routines and families that we forget to do things that rejuvenate and refresh us. Some things I do on a regular basis include reading my Bible, journaling and praying. I also enjoy exercising, spending time with good friends, reading, writing, gardening and taking walks. During the warmer months, I love going to the beach. These are some of the things I do on a consistent basis to help take care of myself.

You don’t have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body. ~C.S. Lewis

Tip: Try identifying 3 things you do on a regular basis that will help refresh your soul. If you can’t think of anything, now is a good time to start. Once you have your ideas in mind, practice them on a regular basis. Here are a few suggestions to get you started:

• Read a good book
• Watch a classic movie
• Lunch with a good friend
• Take a bubble bath
• Start a small group with friends
• Take a walk in the sunshine
• Get a puppy
• Start up a new hobby
• Write about your life dreams

Especially relevant and my encouragement to you is to take care of yourself. In so doing, your other relationships will probably be enriched and you will most likely experience greater mental health and well-being.

First Posted here: Why We All Need To Practice Self-Care

Marriage: Hottest Tip for Affair-Proofing

 

Lurking in almost every social setting, waiting to ambush your marriage is the possibility for an extramarital affair. Most of us never seriously contemplate the dangers of having an affair until it is too late. On our wedding day, we make vows of faithfulness. Yet, how many of us place intentional safeguards around our marriage? Affairs are happening in the workplace, over the internet, in our social spheres with friends, neighbors and even in our churches. Whether it’s a physical affair, an emotional one or sexting, affairs are rampant and wrecking marriages every day.

Exercising clear boundaries is vital and may be the sexiest thing you do for your marriage.

Boundaries can keep you from stumbling and falling on the slippery slope of infidelity. A boundary is a clear line of demarcation. Recently, the property right next to our home came up for sale. When our soon to be neighbors were inquiring about the property lines an engineer came out. Placing stakes around the property, it was clear where the property lines began and ended.

In like regard, we should be putting up stakes around our marriage. We are stating claim to what is ours in our relationship. Boundaries in marriage are like property lines and we should include them in our:

• feelings
• behaviors
• thoughts
• values
• motivations
• needs
• choices
• commitment

Our marriages should be a united front that has clear lines of demarcation. In many situations, the shift from friendship to affair is unnoticeable, subtle. Quite often it happens gradually over time. Having clear boundaries for this reason is paramount. At any given time you know what is acceptable in a friendship and what is not. One very effective metaphor for keeping boundaries in mind is knowing where the walls and windows are in your marriage.

In, Not ‘Just’ Friends: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal, Dr. Shirley Glass discusses the importance of walls and windows. She explains that when a couple constructs a wall it shields them from forces that have the power to separate or tear them apart. The marital couple views the world outside of their marriage through a shared window of honesty and openness. They are a unified force exercising a united front when interacting with their family and friends. An affair creates an interior wall of secrecy; opening a window of intimacy between the affair partners. The marriage no longer holds the united force it once shared.

A good idea is to regularly check in with your spouse to make sure your boundaries are in place. It takes more than knowing about clear boundaries. It takes responsibility and being proactive. We need to acknowledge that taking responsibility for the safety and security for our marriage resides with us. Meaning I am responsible for keeping my boundaries in place. I am trusting that my spouse is doing the same. In so doing we are actively protecting our marriage. A good question to ask yourself: Have you let anyone cross the boundary lines via work relations, internet communication, or friends? If you have, exercise clear boundaries today.

When we get an inclination that something is off or doesn’t feel right in our marriage we need to check it out right away. If you are not sure follow up, ask questions. Detecting the red flags is not always easy, especially in our fast-paced world. Often marital couples are juggling two careers, raising children and planning for the future. For many, the importance of keeping marriage a priority begins to wane. We only have so much energy and emotional reserve. Often our marriages can take a back seat to all the other priorities. Being attuned and aware of what is happening in our relationship is vital. Practicing regular times to talk, connect and making regular dates is key to keeping boundaries in place.

Dr. Angela Bisignano is a license clinical psychologist in the South Bay area.

Original Post on: Marriage: Hottest Tip for Affair-Proofing

What Marriage Needs

A healthy marriage is a treasure that nourishes the soul. Good and healthy marriages; however, rarely just happen. Couples need to invest time, commitment and emotion for marriage to survive over the course of a lifetime and to thrive. Current marriage statistics leave us wondering why so many marriages today won’t make it. Many eager couples will walk down church aisles this year with hopeful expectations only to have their marriage end with broken hearts. What do marriages need to last? Hundreds of books have been written on the subject. This article will focus on one marriage trait interdependency.

What is interdependency and why do marriages need it?

Interdependency is a mutual reliance that each marriage partner has on the other. It is not codependency, which is generally marked by couples being out of balance. In codependent relationships people may struggle with control and power. One person may be overly concerned for another in an unhealthy way; often creating anxiety, guilt, or resentment. The codependent person may try and take responsibility for another’s feelings and behaviors. Generally, they do this for their needs to be met or to ease their own distress. Interdependency on the other hand is an implicit understanding of a shared dependency. It is two autonomous and healthy people coming together acknowledging a need for one another. They respect and honor each other’s individuality and separateness, taking responsibility for their own feelings, thoughts and behavior. Interdependency is a deep connection or attachment that has at its core trust, safety, love and commitment.

Interdependency should be fostered and nurtured from the very beginning of every marriage. Yet for many dependency conjures up all kinds of emotions, some being negative. People often squirm with discomfort, when thinking about being dependent on another, “No not me, I will never be.” Dependency for many has become a weak quality. Few like to consider themselves as dependent on another. Yet, at our core interdependency is one of the most fundamental characteristics that make marriage thrive.

Everywhere we look connection and interdependency abound. Nature whispers of the beauty of connection. All terrestrial and aquatic ecosystems are comprised of communities of both living and non-living organisms that are linked and functioning together. Looking upward toward the heavens we can see a spectacular solar system working magnificently; the sun, the moon, the planets are clearly visible. Earth is dependent on the consistency and functionality of our solar system. If not for this fact earth would cease to exist.

Our spiritual nature cries out for dependency on others. God created us this way. It was part of His plan that we would acknowledge our need for Him and for each other. This is part of His design for humanity. He did not create us to live in isolation, but in relationship depending on one another and in so doing are needs are met. In the Bible, in Genesis 2:18, it says, It is not good for man to be alone. I will make him a helper suitable for him. Then God created Eve, so that Adam, would not be by himself. God set out to make interdependency part of his marriage plan. Marriage is the most sacred of all relationships where we can truly understand and live out what it means to be interdependent in body, heart and soul.

Our physical bodies from the moment of conception depend on another for survival. A fetus relies on its mother’s womb and body for a safe place to develop and grow, nutrients for sustenance, and loving care for optimal well-being. Once a baby is born it will rely completely on its mother for survival. Children depend on their parents for shelter, food, care and love. Our children will continue depending on us until they are mature enough to leave our homes as adults.

Interdependency is a wonderful state of being and it is what makes healthy marriages thrive. It means we can acknowledge our need for each other openly. I depend on you and you depend on me. We support each other. It means we strive to work together in our marriage. It is a reminder that we are on the same team. This mind set allows us to live out life and love well. It supports the concept that I can count on you in this marriage. When I need you, I know I can depend on you being there. When I am going through challenging times I can rely on you and you can rely on me. We are here for each other in this marriage.

If you are looking for couples therapy in the South Bay area, please call me for a complimentary 15-minute phone consultation (424) 206-9055. I can answer any other questions you may have.